The illusion of control

I go through cycles with Lyme.  Most of these cycles coincide with my treatment schedule.  I rife, I herx, I feel alittle bit better, then I start to feel alittle worse again and start the cycle over again.  With Lyme treatment, that cycle usually takes 1 ½ – 2 weeks.

Of course, I treat for Babesia at regular intervals along the way, and that process creates smaller cycles within the larger one.  Those cycles last about 2-3 days.

Something I appreciate about using a rife machine is that these cycles are fairly predictable.  I know exactly when I’m rifing and when I will likely herx.  There is a guessing game we play with knowing what frequencies and durations I will most respond to.  But after that, if I don’t overexert myself in other ways, I can predict when I will likely feel low and when I will have alittle bit of a reprieve based on my rife schedule.

However, Lyme still surprises me.  And often, just when I think, “Yeah, I’m on top of this,” I am taught that really things are not always so predictable.  I would like to feel that I am in complete control of this process, but really that is a huge illusion.

I try to feel in control because it makes me feel more comfortable.  It makes me feel safe.  But there is a larger rhythm of life that none of us can ever know or fully understand.  The only way to move in that gracefully is to flow with those changes.  To allow everything to change.

By letting go of the need to “be on top of things” we allow life, as it truly is, to touch us.

I don’t really want to live in a reinforced fortress of “control” through these days.  I would like to experience what this illness, this pain, this changing-ness really means.  I’m beginning to recognize that I can’t actually experience life as it is by maintaining the illusion of control.  Because really…there is a greater force at work here.

The last couple of days I’ve had a dramatic intensifying of my symptoms.  I’ve come to recognize, from going back through my treatment/symptom journal, that I think I have monthly lyme flares – as I’ve heard others do.  Each month around the 23^rd to 26^th or so things seem to get worse.  This is the first month I’ve been aware of that cycle though.

Wednesday I posted on a lyme rifing thread about how much better symptoms were.  I’m walking better with my walker, have less body pain, and my tremors and seizures are a lot better.  While I’m still very ill, this news is great!

Then, later that afternoon my tremors suddenly intensified dramatically.  That evening before bed I had a strong seizure.  Thursday I had another seizure and some of the most intense body spasms I’ve had in awhile, while struggling to walk due to weakness and muscle contractions.  Today is those symptoms have let up alittle bit, but they are still very present..

This worsening of things doesn’t mean I’m not still better.  I definitely am.  But, being better doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods.  And being better doesn’t mean I always know exactly what my body is going to do.

The irony of thinking I’m done with seizures and strong tremors, and then having them return so suddenly, sometimes makes me feel bitter.  I want things to be different than they are.  I want to feel some sense of control over my body and my healing.

But, perhaps the thing I am meant to experience in this is not how much better I am.  Perhaps I’m meant to experience a softening.  A letting go of control and tension.  Of allowing what is, to be.  Of knowing that once I know that I’m on the right path with my treatment and that I’m doing all I can to help my body, I can let go alittle.

Let my body move through the cycles it needs to.  Let myself move through the cycles I need to.

Really, there isn’t much more I can do beyond that.  Pretending there is more only causes me pain and frustration.  Learning to stay and experience each moment for what it is… this is a worthy teaching and one that will enrich my life during my illness, and once I am well too!